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Thursday, December 9th, 2004
4:39 pm
wow.. things are going really spectacular with my IT guy... i'm almost afraid to write that for fear of jinxing it, but i'm being careful so. we've been spending a fair amount of time together, but also still spending some time apart as well. the holiday dinner was a total success, except we had our first fight. i wanted to drive, so that i wouldn't have a panic attack (i haven't told him about those yet) and he was really disappointed and we fought the whole way there. (but that did pass the time and i didn't have one.) we made up though, and had a great time. he loved my dress and he thought that i was the prettiest girl there. so sweet. he's a lot like my bunny, but also kinda different. it's a little scary. but i'm starting to think that he's better. he likes talking on the phone, and we had our first hour+ conversation the other day. i really CAN NOT remember the last time i spoke to someone that long, it's awesome! he likes talking about what he's feeling and what i'm feeling and he really listens to me. i'm so happy. last night he came over to watch ELF (which was not that funny) and i attacked him about 5 minutes after he walked in and we went to bed. it was awesome. i was sooooooo close again. oh, it felt amazing. i thought it would never feel that good again. then we came out and watched the movie. he kept his arms around me the whole time and kissed me every now and then and i only fell asleep for a few minutes at the end. then we were trying to say good bye and started kissing and i go "this would probably go a lot quicker if you'd take your pants off..." so he let me go down on him again and it was kinda awkward, being on the couch, but it was AWESOME. oh, i miss that taste so much. then we smoked and he had to take off. oh, i feel so good and happy. this was really just what i needed. this year was totally about to suck royally, but he came along and made it worth while..
in other news, i had to visit the dr. again yesterday.. and yes, i had to get another Test. I hate the 2 week waiting period. WHY do i keep putting myself in this stupid, stupid situation? maybe this will be the last time. i really haven't been drinking very much lately and i think i'm making smarter decisions... someday my luck will run out though.

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Monday, November 29th, 2004
10:13 am
wow. what an amazing long weekend. i can't remember the last time i was this happy. well, i guess it was almost two years ago, when my bunny & i first got together.. yes, that's how happy i am right now. my IT guy is amazing. he's so amazing.. we went out on wednesday night, friday and yesterday and he spent the night all 3 times and we had such a great time. didn't drink too much, had such fantastic conversations AND had amazing sex, a lot of times. it was perfect... now i'm starting to get scared. we both feel that we like each other too much already. we want to spend all of our free time together. we know that's not healthy though, so we're trying not to. but with working together, we see each other almost everyday and email tons and tons of times during the day. i really like it. when we were out watching football last night, he always kept his arm around me. i love that, he's so affectionate with me. he's pretty much how i hoped that he would be, very caring and very appreciative of my caring about him. very sweet to me. it's weird being with a nice guy. it's so nice!! why do people waste their time dating people who are such jerks?!? i'm so glad that i held out for him and that somehow we found each other at the perfect time for each of us. it's really pretty amazing when you think about how hard it is to find someone that you like and then to have them like you and neither of you be dating anyone else. it's really pretty amazing. so i think this week we're going to try and get a little space between us. this weekend is our company's holiday dinner and we've decided to go together. it should be really fun. i bought this really beautiful dress yesterday. now i have to find a shawl and shoes and a shirt and tie for him, so that we can match really cutely... i hope that my stomach behaves. In other news, I GOT MY TONGUE PIERCED!!! yup, i finally did it. i was so scared, but i really wanted it. it didn't hurt too much, but i haven't been able to eat anything yet. it's still kinda sore and swollen. i hope it goes down without having to go to the doctor. i think i've got a strep infection which isn't very pleasant and may impede the healing process, but i'm hanging in there. my IT guy really likes it, he can't wait until i can actually stick it in his mouth! and i believe that i've dropped over 10 pounds in the last two weeks! first i was sick and didn't want to eat and then add the sex and my liquid diet and i'm feeling awesome! my dress is a size 6!! and then Sunday we're going to watch the bills game at some bar in cheektowaga with a friend of his. then i have a vacation day on monday. should be really fun. i can't wait! i feel so lucky to have found him and that maybe things are turning up for me. it's really about time, isn't it?

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Wednesday, November 24th, 2004
11:39 am
so today is the last day of work for 4 whole days!!! Yay!!! I'm super excited to be out of here for a long weekend. 3pm I'm out! i just love paid holidays... you can lay around watching movies and know that you're earning x dollars per movie. that's a great, salaried feeling.. i don't really have any cool thanksgiving plans. my ex-mother wants me to come for dinner, but fuck her. and my ex-father and ex-sister. if they can't accept me for who i am, i don't want any of their food or racial slurs this thanksgiving. i'd rather eat garbage and know that i'm comfortable with who i am. but i won't be eating garbage... in fact, there's a possibility i won't be eating anything! if i go and get my tongue pierced today! i've been thinking about this for a couple weeks now. but there are a few snags... i haven't seen my IT guy outside of work since Sunday and we're supposed to do something tonight. there's definitely ONE thing that i would like to do, and i wonder if getting pierced will damper my spirits and make me sick and not want to... hmm... then tomorrow. i have nothing to do, but i really don't want to sit around my apt because that will be depressing... i think i may go to ohio and do some shopping and maybe stay at my favorite hotel in kent... i wonder if my tongue will swell or not? when i got my wisdom teeth out, my cheeks didn't swell... but since the tattoo places are not going to be open on thursday i have to either do it today or friday... and friday is the trews/burdenbrothers/finger eleven show in niagara falls.. and i don't want to be feeling sick for that either! hmm... but i doubt i will, i'll just have to be really careful with it... i guess friday morning makes the most sense.. just thinking about it gets me kinda turned on.. i told my IT guy that i used to kiss a girl who had one and he goes, was it just some girl or like a girlfriend? and i told him... he was okay with it.. that's good, i'm glad he knows about that. so far, i really, really like him. it's only been about 3 weeks, but i like him more and more, the more i get to know about him... but i'm just hesitant about how he seems to want a serious relationship, and i really only want an "activity partner"... someone to hang out with. but we'll see what happens. we're going to our company Holiday Dinner together. Not my idea, his. but i said i'd go for him. It'll be fun to get dressed up, since i didn't go to any weddings this year. that's good. maybe the people i know are smart enough not to get married. or maybe i don't have any friends. but anyways, i like him even more now and his eyes are still about the most beautiful i've seen... here's to a fun weekend and getting LAID!!!!

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Monday, November 15th, 2004
1:25 pm
yay!! kaden gets laid! okay, so i'm really, REALLY not good at taking things that slowly.. but my guy is super hot! we went and shot pool on friday, he met my brother. then came home with me, and we were hanging out, talking, kissing, okay, in my bed and yeah... it was great. except he *ahem* really fast. he said that it was my fault for being too hot. i took it as a compliment, considering that the last 2 guys i slept with didn't at all, it was very refreshing. even though we had been drinking, he still did and i thought that was awesome! and then in the morning we did it again! (happy, happy kadence!) and it was pretty much the same. and surprisingly, both times, i was really, very close. and considering how quick it was, i thought that was awesome. if i can get him to give me just a couple more minutes, i think i can too!! oh man, how sweet. i wonder if i even remember how?!?! it's been over a year. WAY TOO LONG. i miss him.. today is his day off and work isn't the same without him. this friday is happy hour and i think that i'd actually like to go because we can talk and hang out with the work people and they won't know!! that's cool. and i have pretty much no inspiration to get any work done. but it's monday, so that's to be expected. i'm so happy to have someone that i feel comfortable with again.. i was having a lot of anxiety with sex with my ex-pisces, but with this guy, everything was very natural and he makes me feel so beautiful and wanted. it's great.. and like my bunny, he was not hairy at all! i was a little worried about that. not that it's a dealbreaker or anything, but i do like the smooth guys. oh man, i hope that i don't screw this one up. i know it won't last, but i hope when it ends it's because he wants to go back to his ex and his little daughter rather than me f-ing it up (which is what usually happens.)

and my only problem with getting laid is now i want it again. and again. i want it last night and this morning and right now!!! breathe. relax.. it'll come again.

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Friday, November 12th, 2004
11:58 am
so things with my IT guy are going pretty swell... we went out a couple times last week and we're going out tonight too! I'm pretty excited.. so far it hasn't been too weird that we work in the same building. it's actually been kinda fun, cuz he emails me a lot and i don't really get emails anymore so... he also calls! man, i really like that. after my ex-pisces, who never called me, someone calling me on a daily basis so rocks! he's such a cutie and he's really sweet. he asked me to move into his cube with him! AND when we went out last week, i was sipping off his beer and he gave me the last sip. i've never known a guy who did that! and he is an amazing kisser! holy wow. he's so super, gentle, that it drives me crazy. on wed i bit his lip and i guess he said it was swollen, and that made me laugh and remember when i bit bunny's face and it was bleeding and then he told his mom that i did it... before i even met the LADY!!! jeez... sooo... i'm trying to take things slowly with him, but it's really kinda hard. i'm not very patient, but i'm trying. i also found out that he was faithful to his ex for 4 1/2 years... so he hasn't slept with anyone else in THAT long. So that is a TOTAL turnon.. but i just really don't want to rush into anything. we can always go forward, but you can't go back. what's the rush? i kinda want him to sleep over, but then i wonder if i would be able to control myself. probably not. well, i could give him head... that's going slow, right? Come on stupid, slow day! Let's move things along here!!!!!

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Friday, November 5th, 2004
3:57 pm - well i took a deep breath and then jumped!
the jumping is easy
the falling is fun
right up until you hit the sidewalk
shivering and... stunned.

but i'm still falling, so it's still fun. i asked out my IT cutie! turns out that he does NOT have a girlfriend, but does have a 4-yr old daughter. and her name? KateLynn! cute! we went out for drinks twice this week. the first time it was a little nerve-wracking, his bro tagged along.. but last night we went and shot pool and it was really fun! i didn't get too drunk and actually suggested that we leave when we did. then i told him i wanted to check out his car and got in and we talked a minute about music and then smoked and then i said the stupidest thing ever. 'i really want to kiss you.' trying to play all shy and whatnot. then i just did it!! and holy s**t was it awesome! oh man. he was so gentle, and soft, i wanted to devour him right there in the front seat of his car!! but i managed to control myself, mostly... so we kissed for a few minutes and then i finally, FORCED myself to pull away... it was so hard.. and i don't get it but god damn, you libras. how do you drink and smoke all night and your breath still does not stink?? i don't know, but that impresses me. we may be getting together this weekend, i hope, i hope, i hope! it's weird, i feel so close to him already. i guess we have been hanging out for like 2 months now... oh man his eyes. it's weird to kiss someone that you've only seen on a professional basis. and then finally have the chance to grab em and kiss em. yummy. i want more!!! and more and more!!! i think we better stay in public, for sure right now, because i really don't think that i could control myself if we were alone somewhere...

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Friday, October 29th, 2004
3:52 pm - it's friday i'm in love!!
so the little cutie who smokes outside my building... a couple weeks ago i found out that he has a girlfriend. so i got kinda pissed off because i thought that he misled me, but then i let it go because i do still like talking to him... and i thought it was my fault for assuming that he didn't have one.. so we've been talking again and he puts me in such a good mood. oh man, he has this shirt that makes his blue eyes just sparkle! so, he doesn't work fridays and yesterday evening he sent me an email wishing me a happy birthday and it so made my day. that he took a few minutes thinking of me to do that.. then i got a little dirt on him from a girl in his dept who said that he has a kid with this girl and that he doesn't really like her. THAT's the impression that he gave me. so i'm feeling better knowing that he's not actually all "in love" or anything, he's just kinda in a circumstance with her and that he does probably like me. which does make me feel a little better, but it still is not going to help me get laid right? i decided a long time ago not to EVER be the other woman, after i got close a couple times and realized that it would be nothing but trouble. i choose to respect the woman in the relationship, even if the guy doesn't. if he really doesn't like her, then he should be man enough to say that and get out of the relationship, not carry on an affair, for whatever reason... but now, i'm a little different. i really just want to have sex, and have a steady sexual partner, and not a full-blown relationship. and we have this chemistry that i know it would be awesome. you know how some people look at you and you start to melt just thinking about it, definitely have that with him. and he's quiet, but it's a really fucking smart quiet, and smart people are way better in bed. also, libras are supposedly the whores of the zodiac and from my experience that's pretty true. ah, bunny. so i'm at a serious fucking impass. if he made the first move, i don't know that i could control myself. hmm.
in other news, work is super fucking boring today. more than 1/2 my dept is gone and i'm watching the seconds tick away like Peter in Office Space. but i'm not actually doing any work, so it could be worse! we had my party this morning with lots o' yummy treats. i can feel the pounds adding on by the second. but, it's my special day, so f-it.
tonight i'm going to the new casino in Niagara Falls, Canada to play some cards and have some fun and get drunk! i've been so good the past few weeks, only drinking on one night of the weekend. but this week i think i'm gonna splurge and drink tonight AND tomorrow. i've earned it, and i'm in a good mood, which is the only good time to drink. i guess i'm going to a costume party tomorrow, it will probably suck, but there's a chance that it won't, so gotta check it out. i'm continuing my halloween-birthday tradition of dressing as a rockstar and this year i'm going as Robert Smith. i don't know if any of my brother's lame-ass friends will even know who i am, but if anyone does, it will rock! Past years I was: Prince, Matthew Good, Perry Farrell and Nancy Spungen. The Perry was definitely, definitely the best. maybe i'll resurrect him again next year. I was gonna go to the Hard Rock's Dead Rockstar Costume Contest, but it's for either Litterally or Career-Dead Rockstars and I think Robert's is cooking along nicely... along with his 17-year marriage to his high-school sweetheart, Mary. Such a romantic. Hopefully he'll bring me some luck tomorrow and maybe I can get laid too!
;)

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Friday, October 22nd, 2004
9:58 am - happy birthday bunny...
today is my bunny's 26th birthday... but he's not my bunny anymore, so it really doesn't matter.

i won't call him, because that would be lame.

i've called him a couple times this year, and he never answers. i don't think he hates me, i think he's just happier without me. or happier not loving me.

whatever.
i wish i could talk to him.. and i wonder if he'll call me on my birthday, but i'm extremely doubtful. i don't even know what i'd say.



but i'd sure like to have sex on my birthday.

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Tuesday, October 12th, 2004
11:38 am
so.. the guy in my building... i've been taking smoke breaks with him for a couple weeks now. i definitely think he's a cutie. i found out that he's 27 and lives alone, about an hour south of work. with me a 1/2 hour north, that's a long ways.. i also found out that his birthday is the day before my bunny's. so he's a libra. errggh. not good. i know i should run, RUN the other way, but my life is so sucky right now, i don't see how it could get any worse. and he really is the spark in my day right now. just seeing those pretty blue eyes, really brightens my day up a little. and maybe it could work with a libra, if the circumstances were different that we got together in. and oh man oh man could i see the sex being great. but i'm so unbelievably hesitant about THAT subject right now, that it's not really factoring in. except as the long term goal and driving force of me talking to any man... so me and danbi were talking a couple weeks ago about dating someone you work with and what a bad, bad idea that is. so i'm still trying to figure out if this counts? i don't think it does, because we don't interact at work at all, except on breaks. and if things did go sour, i could avoid the area that i see him and pretty much never see him. but i really don't want to think about that. so today he's off and i sent him an email (the first) to say thanks for listening to me yesterday. i was really not feeling well at all, i'm still not, and he made me feel better. but since he's off, i don't know when he'll get it. but he's a computer guy, so he might check it at home. i'm excited because this week he's working friday (when we get to wear jeans) and i'll get to check him out in jeans (and him me)... so that was my tiny little step in his direction, the email... we'll see where it goes from there. i was trying to ask my brother how i can find out if he has a gf or not. he suggested that when he tells me about something that he's doing outside of work, ask, "with your girlfriend?" and i was like, yeah, that might work. so i'll have to try that out. i'm really, really hoping that he doesn't. he's told me that he plays golf and xbox, so he seems to have some free time. our christmas party is dec. 4th and i'm hoping to go with him and sit with him and his brother at their table, i think that would be more fun. that's really only about a month and a 1/2 away! wow... okay i better do some work.

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Tuesday, September 28th, 2004
2:32 pm
so strange... so this morning i get a call from a restricted number at 6:45am... how confusing is this? i silence and they hang up. and call right back. again i silence and they let it ring and then hang up. no voicemail. my immediate thought is ~ bunny? could it be you? so, i pretty much forget it and get moving to work.
at work, around 10, Again, my phone rings restricted... so i'm pretty fucking curious by this time and answer it. a strange male voice, hey what's up? and i'm like "nothing.." (i'm trying to discern the voice) and he goes, what are you doing? and i go, working, who is this? and he's like "you don't know?" and i'm like "no..." so i proceed to ask more questions about where he got my number and where he is and what he's doing and basically got no information.. he said it's been a couple years. but that may have been a lie. he didn't know if he was calling my cell phone and he didn't know what i did for work. so i said "what's your phone number? if i don't know you, i won't know the number right?" and he said that it shouldn't have come up restricted, it should have been out of area, making me think that he's out of my area, but wtf does that mean? out of my coverage area? out of my state?? hmmm.. so finally i was scared and getting pissed off and the voice was familiar, but not bunny's and no one i could immediately place, therefore not one of the few men that i'd really like to talk to, so i go, "i have to go" and he got defensive , "what so you don't want to talk to me?" and i go, "well, call me back later and let your number come through and i'll talk to you then." and hung up. AT LEAST if he will let his number come through i can place him in one of the 3 states i've lived in and get an IDEA of who he is or HOW he might know me... he said he got my number from a friend and i told him that i don't have any friends and that very few people have my number. ugghhh. just freaky. why couldn't it just have been bunny? i'm looking at his smiling face right now and i'd fucking love to hear his voice. ( i might not be able to take it though!) my birthday is coming up and i guess i'm hoping for the same thing i asked santa for last year and didn't get - a call from him. maybe this year he'll miss me and think of me.

Well, so I just noticed that tonight is the full moon and i'm wondering if this strange call has anything to do with that. people act fucking weird when that moon comes around... and speaking of

don't have sex with your ex, just to have sex, cause it will suck and

there's a real sweetie in my building... he works in the IT dept (+), and he's got these beautiful blue eyes that i am SUCH a sucker for!! (++) he seems really shy and he's rather quiet spoken. i just love guys that don't come across as obnoxious jerks. but we work together... wait does that count? if we don't actually see or talk to each other in any work capacity? just happened to be in the same building and enjoy smoking at similar times? hmm. i'm going to tread very, very carefully here...

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Thursday, September 16th, 2004
11:33 am - thursday
pissed off thursday. the radio show my rowmate is listening to.

it's thursday morning and i'm talkative... drank a little last night at Luna and drooled over a couple cuties. one looked like ashton kutcher (!) and one had hair like mine. i'm not sure if i thought he was hot because of that, but his looked better than mine. :(

it's thursday and i'm frustrated... last night i spoke to the ex for the first time in a while. i told him that he looked like he had lost some weight and he told me that he's doing coke pretty regularly with his friend and not eating that much. Hmmm. just not sure how to take this or what to think of it. people on drugs are weird. they're just trying to escape from thinking about their life. why? why not do something to try and improve your life rather than do something so damn expensive and destructive? i don't know, maybe he's dealing too, so that's how he pays for it. wtf? he's such a cool, intelligent person WHY DOES HE HAVE TO ACT LIKE AN IDIOT? he's 31 yrs old.. if you're not signed to a major label or have some other incredible celebrity status, why would you still be doing drugs? and the chick is only 22. how can an obnoxious 22-yr old girl and a (semi)mature 31-yr old man have so much in common? i don't know... it frustrates me. i'm no angel, don't get me wrong, but i drink to enhance experiences, like concerts or shooting pool. i don't sit around my apt doing lines to feel cool. i don't know.

it's thursday and it feels like friday. wanted to wear jeans today, but no, dress pants required please. wanted to call in sick and sleep some more, but no, then tomorrow would suck even more. so i'm gonna call in tomorrow. Hey! a happy point.

it's thursday, i haven't had sex in 36 days. i haven't had good sex in this state or this year. i haven't even kissed anyone this month!?! argh... you really don't realize how sweet it is to have someone rub your back in the morning until you wake up for the 449th day in a row with your arms around your teddy bear and no one anywhere near your back. my rowmate suggests i get an escort. somehow i don't think it would be the same.

it's thursday and i'm supposed to shoot pool tonight with the ex. he really didn't look that good. but i need to get laid. there's a slim possibility that it may happen tonight. if i don't go, there's no possibility. am i at the point of taking mediocre sex with someone i used to think was good looking over nothing? i don't know. tough call. gametime decision.

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Friday, August 6th, 2004
2:32 pm
i'm in a really talkative mood and i have no one to talk to. but being at work is good, because there's the phone and there's maze (my rowmate) and other people here to talk to. and it's not like i want to gossip, i want to actually provide and obtain answers to questions, in a really nice, gentle way. it's pretty weird. most of the morning my head was pounding, now i'm just starting to wear down and am ready to veg out in front of the tv. went to the square with danbi last night. had a nice time talking with him and then let myself talk to my ex-pisces. why? why? at first i was excited to see him and then he started doing the same stupid things and i just left. he called me 3 times after that and paged me, but didn't leave any messages so i didn't call back. maybe i'm being a bitch, but if he makes me unhappy and i feel better without him, i need to just keep my distance at the risk of hurting his feelings. oh well, it's either his or mine. and i can only control my actions, so... i drove home under the influence which was not good. and then this motorcyclist totally jumped 2 lanes to turn left right in front of me. i slammed on my brakes and barely, BARELY missed hitting him. him and his friends thought this was hilarious, but i was scared and not amused. several things this week have happened that make me think my ESP is EXTRA alert this week. I was paranoid that my car was going to break down or get a flat tire and the battery died. and while my brother was fixing it, he found a nail in the tire. huh? then i came home and was going to write Jumping crocodiles charlie with the letters on the fridge and my brother came home to tell me that he had ordered a Wonka bar for my sister's graduation. THEN i was going to yell at maze to give me some money for all the smokes he bums and that morning he walked in with a pack for me. It's pretty crazy. But I'm scared because more and more, right before i fall asleep, i have a vision of car accidents. yikes... i'm crushing on this new guy that lives with his gf of 3 years. i need to just stick to crushes, because then i don't feel so let down when nothing happens. i can just like someone as much as i want and it makes me happy. however, this is not helping me with my nymphomania. i so wish, that my bunny would come back. just for the weekend so i could get it out of my system. i bet we could seriously do it like 15 times in the course of 60 hours or something... well, maybe that would be a little much.. i'd settle for 5. i forget what it feels like to o with someone else, it's been so long. it's been sooooo long. and it sucks because i have to really love the person to, and now i'm back to square one. Square 1...

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Wednesday, July 28th, 2004
4:31 pm
okay so you know the movie -- How to Lose a Guy in 10 days? It actually has the opposite effect. i've seen this work a few times.. if some guy is playing games with you (and you're letting him) (but then maybe you're finally fed up) and you want him to stop, don't call him for 10 days. i tried this with my bunny and ON THE 10TH DAY, he called. but CAUTION: you have to prepare yourself for
1. Things may return to exactly how they were before the 10 days almost instantaneously and
2. He may be aware of the 10 day rule and
3. When you try to call him the next day (and the next 9 after that) he may not answer
But when executed correctly, you can have a brand new, better version of the same man you once loved, before he turned into a complete asshole. So in my case:
Leave his house Sunday morning, not on the best terms (me because I didn't get laid and him because he was just confused at my intentions). I call him Sunday evening missing him. No response. So i'm like fine, that's it, 10 days are on and maybe i just won't call ever again. day 1 nothing. day 2 nothing. day 3 wake up to a TEXT MESSAGE saying I don't understand you.. Well, FYI Gentlemen out there if you don't understand something a girl has done, don't send a fucking text message saying that, DIAL THE ACTUAL NUMBER AND CALL HER AND ASK HER!!. so, i don't respond. later in day 3 get two more texts saying hi, you must be feeling better, you have so many options, blah, blah, have fun at the show tonight. WTF is that?!? Is this an assumption that everything is just fine? is he going to continue with these fucking stupid messages for the next 7 days? (btw today is still Day 3) And now here's my quandry: I actually do want to go to this show tonight and i think his message was implying that he is not going. And the main reason i want to go is because i've heard such good things about RAINER MARIA, but a secondary reason is TO BE SEEN without this man, so people get the idea that i am available and completely fuckable. BUT, there is also a slight chance that he will be there and thus killing my 10 days AND forcing me to talk &/or stand by him. and thus putting me into category #1 listed above. Fuck. What am I going to do? I wish there was some way to be a fly on the wall and see who was there before I pay my $10 and get (not) screwed again. Fuck.

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Friday, July 23rd, 2004
1:48 pm
not a happy camper... everytime i start trusting people and having fun, someone has to shoot me down and make me feel stupid.. it makes me want to crawl into a little hole and never, ever talk to anyone again! it's that feeling in the pit of your stomach that someone has just yelled at you, or someone is about to break up with you... i hate that. fuck everyone. everyone. back to my cave.

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Wednesday, July 21st, 2004
12:17 pm
things are looking up... i think last week i was depressed because of my hormone levels. i hate that. why can't i just be the same cheery me, that i usually am, all the time. OH well. this week is good. the weekend absolutely rocked! i got laid (more than once) and heard some cool music. there was no nascar, but it was all good. tonight i will hopefully get to see my pisces... he is in the studio mixing up the disc tonight, but here's to hoping we can meet up. it seems i see him a lot between thurs and sat and then not at all from sun-wed. it's kinda hard for me... i'm starting to get a little scared. this past weekend we spent fri night and pretty much all day sat together until he went to work at 1am on sat night. and then it's like i go through withdrawal. it's so hard for me to pull myself away from him. i like us together. i'm getting better at us apart, but the fact that i'm having symbiotic tendencies (AGAIN!) is scaring me... where is the happy balance between being in a healthy relationship and unhealthy?? and i'm not sure if it's good or not, but i think he's starting to feel the same way. on one hand it's good, because we are both wanting to be together, but if he didn't want it, maybe i would be more likely to keep my distance. i don't know... he's cool. i like him.. but there are also a lot of negatives in the relationship and that's why i'm not all gung-ho, yeah, let's be exclusive, etc... and i kinda hate to say this, but i do seem to like him more when i'm drunk... and i'm starting to miss my ex-husband... i miss our closeness, our alikeness, the comfortableness... i haven't been 100% comfortable with anyone since him, and i wonder if i will... and he was a good guy. i know that my pisces has a good heart, but i'm not so sure that his actions always coincide with that and it creates a real dissonance in my head and heart... i wish kasey or my bunny would just call and propose so i could stop all this fucking around. but actually, i doubt that i would marry bunny now... after what happened on my vacation... i don't know. yeah, i probably would... the chance to move back to seattle and ride around with him in his bmw and his perfect little body... who am i kidding.....

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Friday, July 16th, 2004
2:11 pm
man this sucks... and really i'm not just complaining. i mean my life sucks, fact, not exaggeration or whine.
i miss having a clan. i've always had a clan. since i was 17 at kent state, i always had a group of people to go out with and get together with on fri and sat nights. now i feel like the travis song 'blue flashing light'... they're usually not MY friends, but friends of whomever i'm dating and therefore making me "one of the guys" because they can't touch me. i love feeling like the little sister. in kent, when symonide, m, and kingtycoon went out i was THE shit. because i was with the 3 tallest, hottest guys WhereEver we went. it was rad. then in seattle, my bunny always had a bunch (if not too many) guys wanting to hang around with him, the quintessential alpha male. and now i'm pseudo-dating a pisces who knows everyone, but only likes 1 or 2 of them and doesn't get hyper-drunk like i do... i mean, gets hyper when drinking, not excessive drinking, well i guess i meant that too, but. ANYWAYS yeah. here's to you travis:

Saturday evening
Saturday evening
A quarter to five
Oh we see him arrive at the door
Pushed you aside as he staggered inside
Spitting alcohol over the floor
A storm is abrew
And it's sure to fall soon
As I look at you from the shore

So you'd better hold on
Cos it's Saturday night
And your friends are all out
And you feel like shit
Cos they never call you
No they never call you
No they never call, never call, never bloody ever ...

Call me a name and I'll hit you again
You're a slut, you're a bitch, you're a whore
Talk to your daddy in that tone of voice
There's a belt hanging over the door
So you run to your room and you hide in your room
Thinking how you can settle the score

But it's Saturday night and a quarter to six
And your friends are all out
But you live in the sticks
Still they never call you
No they never call you
No they never call, never call, never bloody ever call

Blue flashing light last Saturday night
Brought the neighbours all out on the street
Watched as the firemen carried you out
Then we stared at each other's feet
Now everyone sees and yet nobody says
Are we all just afraid of the heat?

But it's Saturday night and I'm lying alone
In the bed that I made, disconnected the phone
Still they never called you
No they never call you
No they never call, never call, never bloody ever call

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Wednesday, July 14th, 2004
8:40 am - this song brought me to a full on cry this morning on the way to work...
winding out
the shine of which has caught my eye
you roped me in so
mezmerizing so
hypnotizing
i am certain now that i am
vindicated
i am selfish
i am wrong
i am right
i swear i'm right
swear i knew it all along
and i am
flawed
but i am cleaning up so well
i am seeing in me now
the things you swore you saw yourself
so clear
like the diamond in your ring
cut to mirror your intention
oversized and overwhelmed
the shine of which has caught my eye
you render me
isolated
so
motivated
i am certain now
that i am
vindicated
i am selfish
i am wrong
i am right
i swear i'm right
swear i knew it all along
and i am
flawed
but i am cleaning up so well
i am seeing in me now
the things you swore you saw yourself
so tired
of the corners of your lips
bite down and feel my fingertips
chase the moment for forever
defense is paperthin
just one touch
and i begin to
deep down to ever swim
against the current
so let me slip away
so let me slip away
so let me slip away
so let me slip away
against the current
so let me slip away
vindicated
i am selfish
i am wrong
i am right
i swear i'm right
swear i knew it all along
and i am
flawed
but i am cleaning up so well
i am seeing in me now
the things you swore you saw yourself
like hope
dangles on a string
like slow spinning redemption

i miss you bunny

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Tuesday, July 13th, 2004
1:47 pm
god, life seems so excruciating right now... my energy is at an all time Low, my sex life is even Lower. i have to get this out WHAT THE FUCK???? i'm 25 and i'm dating a 31-yr old. we've been dating for about 2 months and we've only had sex 5 times. WHAT THE FUCK!?!?! he claims that he thinks about sex 300-400 times a day. soooo, how come when we're together, it never comes up? how can you think about something like that and then not make any attempt to do it? i'm getting frustrated. i've been here before, and i don't need to go through it again. i miss my bunny. my bunny was ready ANYTIME day, night, sleep, awake, drunk, sober, hungry, full, cranky, happy whenever!! god, he really spoiled me in that aspect. but i just don't get it. i am completely aware of the possibility that he could be sleeping with someone else, but i really doubt it. he doesn't seem to have much energy, and has even less drive to go out and meet people, plus, i'm way cute! living in buffalo, hot chicks are kinda few & far between, so i'd be really impressed if he did have a girl on the side... i don't get it. it just baffles me. i've been open with him about my nymphomania, but it doesn't seem to have helped. this sucks. i can't talk about it anymore.
my folks are now my EX-folks because i can't take their shit anymore and i have no one to talk to about any of this...
you should read "heavier than heaven". it will help you understand my own suicide.

current mood: soon

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Friday, July 9th, 2004
4:31 pm - damn these friday afternoons
waiting, waiting, waiting for an email to tell me i'm alive.. i'm working on a couple new projects including a cap/aqua and a new band! yay! we already have a show lined up! holy shit!!! but my pisces IS still in the picture, i'm just trying to get him a co-starring role. tick. tick. tick. tick.

current mood: antsy

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Friday, June 18th, 2004
12:20 pm - Sigh of Relief
so last night i spoke to my little pisces and i think that things are going to be okay... we hit a major speed bump that definitely slowed us down and i think that was good for us.. we were all kinds of spiraling out of control in all different directions. hopefully we're on the same page now. damn, i was so miserable without him. now i will behave myself and be on my best behavior and do everything i can to maintain balance. Good Bye Scorpio, Hello Libra. Yeah RIGHT!!!
So Last night i went to T's house after work and drank 3 low-carb beers, talked about him, how i wasn't going to call him, blah blah, then decided to go to the Square, thinking that he was NOT going to be there, but hoping for just a glimpse.... Kim Mitchell was playing and it was not my thing and I obviously didn't see him there either.. So i go to The Mohawk and run into Robin, a friend of his roommate's. I thought she was gonna let me have it, but instead she told me how he was so sad last saturday and hurt and felt bad and then she called him and told him "All is not lost" and he thanked her, and then i knew that i had to go and find him. so i go to his house and his roommate lets me in and he looked so incredibly hurt and beautiful and we talked a little (there was company over) and re-introduced ourselves to each other as a sign of this fresh start.. and then he had to go to work, so he pulls me in the kitchen and says, thank you for coming over and we hug and kiss and it's just so intense and wonderful. and i'm feeling like i would give ANYTHING if he didn't have to go to work, and i ask him not to go, but he has to and i say okay. and then we're just standing there looking at each other and he goes, ' you're so beautiful' and i just stand there and let him soak me in, while i soak him in and i'm dripping... so off he goes and me & his roommate head over to a friend's house and watch the new SIM game and drink some wine and it's kinda fun. i like his roommate. he's a leo, and he's really dramatic about everything and talks in this whiney, attention-getting voice and i like hanging out with him... he's kinda going bald, but still attractive. him and my pisces are definitely an opposites attract thing.. so! we make it back to his house and i call my pisces to ask if i can stay there and sleep for a couple hours and he says okay, but i can't sleep in his bed. i say okay and ask W to sleep with me on the couch and he does... so sweet! i didn't want to sleep alone! and they have a big, corner sofa, so we could both stretch out completely without touching... it was nice, i like sleeping next to my boyfriend's roommates. it's a comfort, i feel safe and protected. so i wake up and go see my pisces working, so cute! and then his other roommate comes storming in, all crazy late for work and jet her downtown to the Starbucks... but as i'm leaving him, he runs out and hugs me and tells me that he's happy that i stopped by and i couldn't sleep in his bed because there were crumbs and dirty clothes because he hasn't done any laundry this week and i'm like, it's okay, i slept on the couch, it's okay! so adorable.
so i'm happy again for the moment.
:)

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